Journey 2 Being

By Alfred Brown

This is the poem where I finally got to use the sentence that had been rattling in my brain for a few years “Everything was fine until I got shot in the face.”  I wrote it first sometime, probably around 2013, then I did some edits to it around 2014 or 2015.  The intention with the edits was to make the poems into songs.

61 -fading fast (continued in part 8)

Nothing would be better
Than to have your love
I wouldn’t call myself a go getter
But with you I wouldn’t get enough

I want you now and want you here
I want to whisper soft in your ear
I want you til you can’t take any more
Like too many treats from a candy store

Nothing would be sweeter
Than the taste of your lips
Just show the way and I’ll follow the leader
Place my hands and I’ll hold tight your grips

I need you soon and need you always
I need you and how your walk sways
I need you til time stands still
Or until i finally give you your fill

Nothing would be nicer
Than to hold your body to mine
So squeeze me to you like a ricer
When you do it will come out divine

I love you and since the beginning
I love how your smile is so winning
I love you and will forever til the end
And when that comes i will again

There is nothing I could want
That you couldn’t give
There is nothing that I need
That isn’t in your div

You can do it all
And you do all you can
And it always works
When it’s in your span

You’re a class in itself
Can’t be made an id
Because I want you through out
The source of me

You got so much style
It cascades over all
Covers me like a sheet
Though you’re so small

Just a few lines that i carry
Everywhere I tag
And with you I never tarry
With you I never lag

True i get a little hyper
Want to text you all the time
I think you can decipher
The meaning in my rhyme

Because I want to stay open
Let everyone know how I feel
Because I need you again and again
With a slash and a kiss to seal

When I met you
You didn’t have a thing
When we were through
Every finger had a ring

You had furs you had diamonds
You had things you didn’t know existed
You had a zoo with imported lions
Your every want i willingly assisted

And yet even still
Though I gave you all that
You couldn’t get your fill
And you made me your door mat

I don’t know why I did so much
When everything never seemed to be enough
Why was I a slave to your kiss and touch
When the way you treated me was so rough

When I had nothing more
Nothing left to give
You walked out the door
And so alone i live

And I realize now all the pleasures
Weren’t worth all the time and money
All the gifts I gave all the treasures
Couldn’t turn vinegar to honey

So now I’m glad
Glad you are gone
And though I’m not mad
The lesson was a costly one

I learned first hand the ways of a crook
I learned first hand that old sage adage
I should have believed what i read it in a book
That most, if they can, will take advantage

At one time, i was all right
Things went as they should
But those days have past
Rarely anything comes out good

Things go wrong all the time
I don’t always expect it
But sometimes I do
Neither way matters one bit

If i could I’d change things
So they don’t go like this
But since i don’t know how
I might as well go on

The clock struck one
And she was still gone
The clock struck two
I didn’t know what to do
The clock struck three
I was feeling so lonely
The clock struck four
I couldn’t take any more
The clock struck five
I didn’t want to be alive
The clock struck six
I was on quite a fix
The clock struck seven
I was so far from heaven
The clock struck eight
I was so close to hate
The clock struck nine
I was running out of time
The clock struck ten
I couldn’t go through this again
The clock struck eleven
I started my engine revvin
The clock struck twelve
I left to go on by myself

Who wants to die alone
Unless they prefer to live that way too
Who doesn’t want to be called on the phone
Only the people who wouldn’t call you

Who wants to hurt all the time
Who wants to feel sad
Who wants to lose their mind
Who wants to be treated bad

But I want to be with you dear
I want to tell you how I feel inside
I want you to be always near
I want you as one to whom I confide

Do you like to be lonely
Do you like to feel pain
Do you like feeling homely
Do you like waiting in the rain

So I’m calling out hoping you’ll listen
I only have the strength to say it once
So write it down to remember it again
Not that I think you’re any kind of dunce

But I need to be loved and cared
I need to be cherished and adored
I need to have a desire that is shared
I need to your heart pure and out poured

When finally i passed away
I was not afraid of what came next
I just knew I’d go away
Id lose my body my mind my sex

I’d end up somewhere new
Some place I’d never been before
I didn’t know what I’d do
I didn’t know anything any more

Or maybe I’d end up nowhere
Maybe I’d be there all alone
If so what should i care
My fear of regret would be gone

I’d wait for death so long
I’d wait for pain to be done
Maybe waiting was wrong
Maybe i should have just had fun

But it was too late for that
It was too late to even care
It was time to take off my hat
And discard this shell i wear

And so i went away
And no i cant say whither
All i could now say
Is with your life so not dither

I wrote you over a hundred poems
And still i can’t think of a good word to rhyme with poems
Sure there is totems, but the only kind i know are poles
But if singular, take any of the words that ends with o’s
Then you add the contraction form of them
Or is that just slang, to just use ’em
And so if you write a poem
You can say how you know em
Or how you grow em
After you sew em
Then you harvest and stow em
Or maybe you show em
With boats you can tow em
And words like water you flow em
Unless of course it ends up ho hum
Then it might as well be sea foam
Can you tell i don’t use a rhyming dictionary
That’s because i wrote these all in the lavatory
Where there was no Internet connection
So instead i wrote this poetry collection
Rather than browse the Internet
Like the rest of you with smart phones i bet
Perhaps now that you know this fact
Which i could have left out if i had some tact
You won’t think these verses appealing
Well i can’t help if that’s how you’re feeling
I just wrote these to pass some time
Then I’d save the file, this is song 99
Dot docx and it’s about to become 100
Then it’s back to work once i leave the head
Maybe I’ll edit these before i start the next
Or just create the file New song 1 dot docx

By Alfred Brown

This is the poem where I finally got to use the sentence that had been rattling in my brain for a few years “Everything was fine until I got shot in the face.”  I wrote it first sometime, probably around 2013, then I did some edits to it around 2014 or 2015.  The intention with the edits was to make the poems into songs.

61 -fading fast (continued in part 7)

There was nothing left
But a shell of a man
All the tears he’d wept
All the pain he could stand

He lost it all in the tragedy
His wife, his kids, his home
He came back to see
That he was now all alone

He had to go and fight
In foreign lands across the sea
And though he fought with all his might
He could not save his country

For while he was there
The enemy came to his place
And though he considered it fair
His anger he could not erase

For he knew had he not gone
And did to them what they did him
Had he stayed and had not roamed
He might have been able to save them

The odds were small this he knew
It is easier to destroy than preserve
He had to do what was told to do
He could not choose protect or serve

And even if they said he could
They would not have said your own
So he did what he thought was good
But he had not known

That his letters went unanswered
Not because they no longer cared
There was no way they could have heard
For they were no longer there

They were gone and with nothing left
He decided it wasn’t worth it
Since his soul was now bereft
He saw a way out and took it

For his shed still remained somehow
And with his tools and machine
And as much strength as he could allow
He made himself a guillotine

They would not be happy he was sure
But it would be no use
They couldn’t hang a deserter
Without a head to hold a noose

In a way I’m glad it happened
Because it meant that I found you
But if i could do it again
I know where I’d go straight to

I wouldn’t wait for the heartache
And the pain I went through first
Though knowing what’s at stake
I’d go through the worst

But if i could get to you faster
Then of course I wouldn’t delay
Any girl en route I’d past her
And not let her get in the way

Because you have always been my goal
The end point that I’d strive
The yearning of my soul
My reason to stay alive

And now that I’ve found you here
Like you were waiting all this time
All that running around everywhere
Seems like a waste and a crime

But since i can’t change the past
And since I’d rather live in today
There’s no need to now go fast
All we need to do is stay

Stay in my life, my heart, and mind
I will try to stay in yours as well
We had sought and here we find
The reason for it all i can tell

When I lost i lost it all
And i had nothing left
I was on top but had to fall
So i sighed and wept

When I was all cried out
I asked the Lord what was next
I had nothing not even doubt
That my life was truly vexed

He did not respond
And I was not surprised
I felt like I was conned
And never fully apprised

But my life was not my choice
My only choice was to end it myself
But before that I still had a voice
And I could use it to ask for help

So i went to my brother
And I said brother help me please
And he said to go ask another
For he himself was on his knees

But he was not there to ask for mercy
He was there to play some craps
If he wanted he could’ve helped me
Maybe he did need help himself perhaps

So i went to the preacher
And he indeed was praying
But he was more of a reacher
And not to god or man I’m saying

His prayer was that his collection
That he made on the side
Would have no redirection
But instead with him reside

So i went to my local leader
So he could lead me in a way
But he was a bottom feeder
Who’d only help if votes would sway

And as I went on and met more folk
More despicable than the last
Each flawed each under a yolk
I realized how it compared to my own past

I was no better probably no worst
Did just as poorly with what I was given
I was not special i was not cursed
I might as well go on livin

By Alfred Brown

This is the poem where I finally got to use the sentence that had been rattling in my brain for a few years “Everything was fine until I got shot in the face.”  I wrote it first sometime, probably around 2013, then I did some edits to it around 2014 or 2015.  The intention with the edits was to make the poems into songs.

61 -fading fast (continued in part 6)

The prisoner woke up alert
Put his bare feet on the dirt
Waited till he heard the bell
And stood as they opened his cell

He marched down the hall
Walking slow but keeping tall
His chains would clatter and clink
While his mind continued to think

He knew his chance was soon
At sometime before noon
They would be put in a line
And he would listen for the sign

When that moment finally came
Though he knew he’d take the blame
He did as he was forced to do
He took the shiv from his shoe

He never knew the other guy
But he said to himself it’s him or i
One of us must die today
I prefer it to go this way

He was chosen for this task
Though he certainly did not ask
Because his number came right after
This thought elicited laughter

This alerted the other man in front
Who got the point while it was blunt
So before the prisoner could shank
The other guy struck him in his flank

The prisoner dropped the shiv
Now it was the other man’s point to give
He thought as he lay that this was worst
Laughed again because today his number was first

If i came to you
With an open heart
And a mind of love
Would you know me

If i came to you
With eyes clear
And arms waiting
Would you show me

What it means to be
In the aura of you
As it shines out
And comes through

If i lay with you
As we hold each other
And kiss
And pass the time

If i lay with you
As we get to know
One another and inside
Each other’s mind

What does it matter
What we do
Or what we think
When the sun is new

If i promise
To stay all night
And well into
The morning

If i promise
To stay even if
When I leave
It may be storming

Will you want me
Will you want me too
Red yellow green
Purple gold and blue

Nonsense words
Nonsense thoughts
Fly like birds
Sleep on cots
Wheys and curds
Old robots
These absurds
Be forgots

Flowers wither and leaves fall off
And roots dry up in the ground
As you age you hack and cough
And then one day you make no sound
Animals that once could out run
Any predator that comes around
Find one day frolicking in the sun
That they can’t and are taken down

Such is life and so is death
Nothing lasts forever on earth
You can do what you can maybe your best
But eventually you lie in the dirt
But you can’t despair your lot
Put up with it for what it’s worth
Be happy with the little you got
Many have gotten by with much worse

And in the end everyone has the same
Waiting for them when it’s over
Everyone has to quit the game
That doesn’t make you a loser
It just makes you alive in this world
So be a fighter a giver and a lover
And accept all that has and will occur
And then there won’t be too much to suffer

If i stay here with you
And not leave til the morrow
Would what you let me do
Cause you later sorrow

I don’t want to say what
For you is truly best
You know better than i but
This much i can attest

Sometimes passion is strong
And makes us do some things
That we later feel were wrong
With what consequence brings

But I feel it is simple and
I put it now to your choice
Take what is here and in hand
But if it sours give no voice

Instead just accept it all
As part of what must be
For when curtains fall
You must return to reality

Can’t say for sure
What’s going on
I can’t ensure
There’ll be a dawn

I can only say
There is right now
A time and way
That i know how

To pass some time
I’ll do it soon
Relax my mind
Whistle a tune

A melody
Gets in my head
And every
Night in my bed

I sleep to sounds
That play all night
In the morning
I see the light

And as I wake
Wonderin what
More i can take
I feel my gut

Is churning so’s
I stop and breathe
And repeat those
Words I believe

By Alfred Brown

This is the poem where I finally got to use the sentence that had been rattling in my brain for a few years “Everything was fine until I got shot in the face.”  I wrote it first sometime, probably around 2013, then I did some edits to it around 2014 or 2015.  The intention with the edits was to make the poems into songs.

61 -fading fast (continued in part 5)

With money and security
I can find the woman for me
And start a family
And raise them worry free
You can’t screw up cash
With no strings attached
With that i could do the rest
And have time to do it the best
And finally be happy
That’s really all I want to be
Money can’t buy happiness
Or love or much else
That is worth in summary
But it is a great intermediary

I can’t say I’m poor
In the population there are far more
I can’t say I’m wealthy
To the 1% my funds are a penny
I can’t say I’m dumb
A few can’t even walk and chew gum
I can’t say I’m smart
So few waste time on unappreciated art
I can’t say I’m lazy
Some just want to pick the next daisy
I can’t say I’m prodigious
To some I’m so slow I’m practically litigious
I can’t say I’m bad
Many just want to make you mad
I can’t say I’m good
Many just do what they should
I can’t say much of anything
Though I guess I could sing
Because songs are not literal
No time for each conditional
Perhaps that’s why I like a song
Cause if you feel it it can’t be wrong

I don’t know about you
But I can’t keep on keeping on
I don’t know what to do
When all my hope is gone
I can’t keep trying things
Getting nowhere every time
I can’t see what it brings
When I don’t even get a sign
I fight and i struggle
But the tide is too strong
I try my efforts double
But I still get pulled along
I end up back where I started
And have nothing to show
I end up broken hearted
With nowhere to go

I fight
And lose
I might
Confuse
What’s right
To choose
In sight
No clues

I try
And fail
Can’t i
Prevail
I cry
And wail
Not fly
And sail

Who are you
What do you want
Do you know
What you need to survive

What do you do
With what you got
How will you show
That you’re alive

What is true
What is not
What can grow
What must die

Why’s the sky blue
Why’s the sun apricot
Why’s it’s rays yellow
Why’s the clouds white

Too many questions
Not enough answers
Too much pain
Not enough relief

Too many guns
Not enough flowers
Too much rain
Not enough heat

Too many restrictions
Not enough powers
Too much again
Not enough to breathe

Too many functions
Not enough hours
Too much in vain
Not enough to leave

Just live
And love
And die
Loved

That is all you can hope for
You can want more
But if that is all you get
Be satisfied with it

By Alfred Brown

This is the poem where I finally got to use the sentence that had been rattling in my brain for a few years “Everything was fine until I got shot in the face.”  I wrote it first sometime, probably around 2013, then I did some edits to it around 2014 or 2015.  The intention with the edits was to make the poems into songs.

61 -fading fast (continued in part 4)

So fuck it all chuck it all for a laugh

I died one day
I didn’t expect it
In a strange way
I wasn’t infected
I wasn’t injured
Didn’t have a wound
Nothing occurred
I just swooned
I fell down
A crumpled mass
On the ground
I slowly passed
Then I was
In a strange light
I heard a buzz
A long goodnight
And as I lay
Dead below
My soul went away
Whither didn’t know
But suddenly
There beside
The soul of me
Others that died
They were lost
Just like me
Paid a cost
Just to see
The other side
Now they knew
So they reside
With me too
I met some friends
We talked a bit
I made amends
With those i quit
They told me
I had to go
For you see
This was no
Place for me
I said alright
Walked away
Quite a sight
Without legs eh
But I didn’t
Know the way home
So i couldn’t
Do more than roam
I roamed a lot
For eternity
Until I caught
The sign to see
It said this way
Follow along
And now today
I’m no longer gone

When I woke up this morning
And I saw the dawn
I knew the brew was storming
And let out a yawn
I got into my car for work
And drove the same road
I felt just like a jerk
For this well doesn’t bode
Everything was mixed up
Nothing seemed to fit
I can’t shun handle disrupt
What do I can with it

If you look for me
And can’t find me
And don’t know where I’ve gone
It’s because you can’t see
And could never see
Everything that I’ve done
To make you happy
Always happy
And never feel alone
While I would cry
Always cry
Once you’d hang up the phone

Because though i love you
Yes I love you
Though you’d treat me that way
Where you claim to care
But you never care
Regardless of what you might say
For if you loved me
Really loved me
You wouldn’t go around and play
You thought I didn’t know
But I’d always know
When I’d see you the next day

It would be on your face
That pretty lying face
That showed a love supposedly true
But I’d know the truth
The real truth
From others and not from you
And I’d see for myself
I’d follow you myself
Going into the arms of someone new
So that is why I left
As there was nothing left
And nothing else that I could do

Sometimes I just can’t care
Sometimes I don’t want to be here
Sometimes I just want to escape
And yet it feels like my fate
And there’s nothing I can do
And no place to run to
I just have to keep at it
Though I just can’t stand it
There is no way out for me
This is where I’ll always be
In a state of despair
Thinking it ain’t fair
I could try to be free somehow
But can’t move under crushing doubt
I just wallow in sorrow
Thinking there’s no tomorrow
So let me die
If i should decide
That i can’t take it any more
You could stop me but what for
Unless you can also give me
A reason to still be
And not some platitude
To adjust my attitude
But change my situation
Alieve me of this station
Give me money and then I can find
The rest to give me peace of mind

By Alfred Brown

This is the poem where I finally got to use the sentence that had been rattling in my brain for a few years “Everything was fine until I got shot in the face.”  I wrote it first sometime, probably around 2013, then I did some edits to it around 2014 or 2015.  The intention with the edits was to make the poems into songs.

61 -fading fast (continued in part 3)

I write poetry to pass time
And if i come up with a good rhyme
I’m pleased that i did so
But that’s not enough to show

I don’t think my poetry is great
In fact i think it second rate
Certainly not good enough to inflict
On the greater public

But maybe it us not up to me
To decide if it’s grade a or b
Or c or d or even f
Or lower were there any grade left

Maybe I’m just supposed to write
And then maybe some night
When I’m feeling brave enough
I’ll send a draft even rough

To someone to have them say
Whether f d c b a
But if they say what i already think
I might give up and take up drink

Have you noticed, things are changing everyday
Things that used to be the same are not in any way
Why just last week I ran into an old friend
He asked me if I had some cash to lend
I asked him what happened to his funds
He spent them all on an arsenal of guns
And now he can’t afford any food
Because he had just lost his job too

I said what happened, everything seemed fine
He said it was at first, but then in time
He lost it all in the market boom and bust
And now his assets have turned to dust
And with everyone now feeling the pinch
And with society now tightening the winch
It’s time to prepare for the coming doom
Because the end will be coming soon

I couldn’t believe what he was saying
He told me he had taken to praying
Which is fine in general I think
But he was also starting to drink
And wander the streets late at night
And just generally feeling uptight
I was worried but i said i had to go
To get a weapon of my own you know

That was a lie but nonetheless
I left and said I wished him the best
And went home instead to cry
For my friend to whom I said goodbye

Remember when a hot pocket used to be a treat
And not you cell phone giving off heat?

Everything was fine art first
I’d get irritated at the worst
I might get a little down
But eventually I’d come around
I’d never get angry
Nothing bothered me
But then things changed
The situation rearranged
And I was no longer able
To keep myself stable
I had to get some assistance
Though at first I put up resistance
Eventually it all worked out
Because I found a new route
A way to channel my rage
I’d put it all on the page
And my writing turned dark
The difference was stark
Until I got through my issues
Then I put on some new shoes
And now that I can stand
My writing can fly again
And you would never know
How i had once been so low
But still there are times
When you can see in my rhymes
That there still is some hurt
Hidden between each word

Close to the edge I can see the bottom
The ones following say we almost got em
I can’t run any further and i can’t stop em
I’m looking down ready to drop in
Can’t call for help no one will come
I tried for so long but now I’m done
They’re closing fast I can see one
With no way out i think I’m gone
I ask for mercy I plead for my life
What they’re doing it don’t seem right
I would if I could but I know I can’t fight
It’s over now and now I die
I can only choose the way to go
Either way will hurt this i know
So i might as well not make it slow
But jump to my death so i take off my coat
Because why waste a perfectly nice garment
When I splatter myself on the pavement
I doubt my body will even make a dent
And so now my mind is all set
So i jump off and start to fall
Because there really was no reason to stall
And as I went down i thought of it all
There’s nothing left nothing but it’s peaceful
Nothing left it is over now
I’m dead dead dead dead I’m dead

If i live another day it will be because of you
If i find the strength to make it, it will be true
That the only reason I could was your love
Because you love is more than enough
To give me hope and lead me through
Past each trial and on my way to
The place I need to be and want to be
By your side for eternity
I want to walk with you in moonlight
And when we get home hold you tight
And then one day down the aisle
And in the morning see your smile
And then after many years together
Through calm and stormy weather
When we die though i can’t say what’s worst
You leaving me or you lonely if i go first
But when we’re both laid in the ground
I know where our bodies will be found
As we’ve lived is how we’ll be after we’ve died
Right next to each other side by side

There is no way I can let go
But my pain I can’t let show
So I hold it in and hold on tight
And keep my anguish out of sigh

One day soon I’ll be free
Until then what will become of me
Can i go on knowing this
That i can’t hold with clenched fist

I just wrote a poem
I’ve written many but i won’t show em
Because many are lame
The one i just wrote is just the same
Words so dreary
Reading it just makes me weary
Diction just to rhyme
I know how each line ends almost every time
Formulaic and trite
I don’t know why I bother to write
I guess because some
Are not quite so insipid and dumb
Or repetitious
Practically bureaucraticly officious
This one is no better
But i haven’t the patience to fetter
And separate the chaff

By Alfred Brown

This is the poem where I finally got to use the sentence that had been rattling in my brain for a few years “Everything was fine until I got shot in the face.”  I wrote it first sometime, probably around 2013, then I did some edits to it around 2014 or 2015.  The intention with the edits was to make the poems into songs.

61 -fading fast (continued in part 2)

I recently went to a play
I think it was in the month of may
Though that doesn’t matter
I think it was a satyr
You know the kind with goats
Not that thing that pays notes
That’s a sitar
Or is that a car
No that’s a sedan
Not the Sudan
That would have taken much longer to see
And i doubt it would be free
This play was no cost
But i still ended with a loss
For the play was bad
And not worth the time i had
The play’s not even the thing
Up which i meant to bring
But rather the walk after
Where with friends amid laughter
We discussed how bad it was
For no reason just because
And then someone remarked
They’d forgotten where we parked
So we were in a bind
Because this car we could not find
So we went to a cafe to think
And maybe have a drink
Though it is funny how a drink
Doesn’t really help you think
Which is irrelevant because to our gall
This cafe did not serve alcohol
So we ate some grease instead
I think it came with bread
But regardless we all felt ill
And the car was not found still
What were we to do
We were getting blue
And vexed and perplexed
So we went to the multiplex
And saw a movie
And what should we see
But an adaption of the same play
And not to give anything away
But it was bad too
So our dismay grew
I don’t know how we all got home
I suppose we didn’t just roam
To the ends of the earth
Cause that’s considerable girth
And i am not there right now
But i still don’t know how
It all eventually ended
Probably in some way that doesn’t rhyme

I’m pretty sure I’m dying
Hopefully slowly but not too painfully
Because as soon as you are born you start to die
That’s the way it is

And often times I’m crying
Hopefully I’m heard but not in vain fully
Because as soon as it is too much start to cry
That’s the way it is

And always I’m trying
Hopefully i manage and am still sane fully
Because as soon as you fail you wonder why
That’s the way it is

But never am i lying
Hopefully they know and i maintain fully
Because as soon as they doubt you want to lie
That’s the way it is

I’ll never be able to change
I’ll always be the same
Always dying often crying
Still trying but not lying

Well the first two are constant
There’s no way to stop it
Unless there’s a medical miracle
With proof that is empirical

I won’t be changing the last two
Because those i got to do
As long as someday I’m dead
And someday someone might hear what i’ve said

If i die, so be it, i deserve my end
If i cry, so be it, i neglected my friends
If i lose, so be it, i did not do my best
If i bruise, so be it, i did not give myself rest

Whatever happens, it will be my fault
Because i could have, but didn’t, what i ought
And so when it is over, this you won’t hear
That i lost just because they wouldn’t play fair

Have i grown too old
Has my soul been sold
Have i lost touch with today
Has all my joy gone away

I wonder if i know the truth
Or have i just given up the pursuit
At one time i searched for the root
But now i feel reality is moot

Because what matters is survival
I don’t want another revival
Of days when i was so unsure
And i thought there might still be a cure

Tis better to feel defeat
Then to ever repeat
That cycle of hope and despair
That never does and never will go anywhere

I would rather be honest and unknown
Than a famous liar
I would rather be dependable and dull
Than an unstable live wire

I would rather have love unrequited
Than no love but equitabl
I would rather have likely failure
Than mediocrity inevitable

But i would rather live with mediocrity
Than success i couldn’t accept
For I’d rather be able and unrecognized
Than rewarded as inept

But most of all i must be true
In what i say and what i do
For even if lying could get me ahead
I might rather be dead
But i will not say this as absolute fact
Because as of yet i lack
Any experience as a corpse
Though I’ve known liar’s remorse
And of course some success from deceit
However so long or brief
Maybe it was never as much
Because i wasn’t practiced enough
But I’d rather not learn it now
I’d rather stay honest some how
Though it may lead to ignominy
It is better than that infamy
Or even if i never got found out
I’m sure i would a few times en route
It may be worth it for you
But i would rather stay true

If i knew where i was going
I could tell you where I’ll be
But there are no signs showing
Even the course to destiny
The destination is unknown
And the path is unsure
I only know I’m not alone
On this three hour tour
There’s the fool who will never
Help anyone succeed
But you can be sure will forever
Screw up every deed
There’s the leader who tries
To guide all the plans
But only grunts and sighs
And never understands
There’s the man with the money
But it never helps him out
And of course there’s his honey
Who knows what she’s about
Then there’s the man with the brain
Or at least so they say
But he relies on the fool time and again
When he should just keep him away
Then there’s the wholesome girl
Who everyone seems to prefer
Or the one from a different world
I think i screwed up the order
It doesn’t matter you see
Cause it will end the same
For as long as eternity
Stranded and waiting for a plane

By Alfred Brown

This is the poem where I finally got to use the sentence that had been rattling in my brain for a few years “Everything was fine until I got shot in the face.”  I wrote it first sometime, probably around 2013, then I did some edits to it around 2014 or 2015.  The intention with the edits was to make the poems into songs.

61 -fading fast

I was fading fast
I couldn’t last
I had to do
something quick

Now in the past
I’d act crass
And behave
quite the prick

But today i knew
What to do
Was to think
before all else

So i took a few
Minutes to
Stop and check
The cosmic pulse

C
Is she here …
the one I’ve looked for
I’ve looked everywhere
Then I looked some more
I even prayed …
for a sign in a church
But i never found her
no matter how i searched

I hate to rush
But i must
Because there is
no more time

I hate to admit
That this is it
But if i don’t I’ll
Lose my mind

I’ve tried so long
To not go wrong
But I’d keep on
Wrong regardless

I’d try to do right
But lose each fight
Because it mattered not
if i did my best

So now I’m leavin
Because I’m seein
It is all
beyond control

It doesn’t matter
Is what i gather
But it’s nothing
i can hold

So goodbye
And if i die
Know i blame
no one but myself

Because i failed
When i could have sailed
And thus i lost
It all, oh well

—

Cry for me
If you see
My body
lying in a grave

It is not
From what i got
But what i had
But then I gave

For what I had
Was in fact
A long and
Arduous day

And like a fool
I was a tool
For those who’d
Take me for a knave

I had to give
And so I’d live
But then i gave
And so I’m grave

I worked all day
Till night gave way
And still I’d toil
And take no rest

I’d work for hours
For the powers
Who would pay me
Enough I guess

By Alfred Brown

This is the poem where I finally got to use the sentence that had been rattling in my brain for a few years “Everything was fine until I got shot in the face.”  I wrote it first sometime, probably around 2013, then I did some edits to it around 2014 or 2015.  The intention with the edits was to make the poems into songs.

59 -i lost your love

I lost your love when i gambled
I played around and off and rambled
I went somewhere i didn’t belong
And now I know that i went wrong

Cause now I have no place to stay
For it was not for me to say
That time was up for you and i
And now i do nothing but cry

Cause now I am so sad and blue
With no one left, nothing to do
I’ve only a sad song to sing
Can’t fly with this a broken wing

C:
Oh what is there to live for now
And where to go with no door out
Oh what is there to do when done
And what to see when there’s no sun

I only sit and moan and cry
I want to live but don’t know why
When there’s no one that I adore
And life is but a tire and bore

If begging gets you back i will
If there’s a cure I’ll take the pill
But i don’t think there is a way
Nor is there any words to say

No there is nothing but the end
And no time left to start again
I must be satisfied with it
If not it won’t matter a bit

No I don’t think i’ll see much more
For I see before me a door
That leads perhaps to lack of pain
But with no return back again

So goodbye I am leaving now
But i make you this my last vow
If ever I see you again
I will be sure to call you friend

One more step out one more ramble
One last biggest final gamble
For pain may yet be at this end
If so I hope we meet not then

60 -i lost it all

I lost it all
It’s gone
I had to fall
It’s done

I lost hope
It’s over
I can’t cope
I’m nowhere

I’m dying now
Can’t wait
I’m trying now
Too late

I want to live
For what
I just give
A rut

I’m goin down
At end
Can’t come around
Can’t win

If you hear me
Lend hand
If you’re near me
And can

For if someone
Don’t help
I’ll be fallin
Off shelf

Got nothing left
To do
I am bereft
So blue

So kill me now
End pain
I don’t know how
Start ‘gain

I lost my mind
Long ‘go
When i signed
Didn’t know

So through the years
I’d drift
And with the tears
As gift

I hoped my mind
Came back
But now it’s time
Say fact

I lost it all
It’s gone
I had to fall
It’s done

By Alfred Brown

This is the poem where I finally got to use the sentence that had been rattling in my brain for a few years “Everything was fine until I got shot in the face.”  I wrote it first sometime, probably around 2013, then I did some edits to it around 2014 or 2015.  The intention with the edits was to make the poems into songs.

57 -if you see this lady

If you see this lady
She will drive you crazy
She’ll make you moan and weep
You’ll see her in your sleep

Her body is amazing
Her face is worth praising
There is none quite like her
You see and you’ll concur

One day I saw her pass
Got a glimpse of her class
I knew I’d never find
Another so devine

I swear she pursed her lip
And even winked a bit
And with her eye twinkle
I knew she must be single

I walked up to this gal
And asked to be her pal
Because to start as friends
Is just a means to ends

She said she needs no toys
Not int’rested in boys
And if I understand
Show her that I’m a man

I said if so you want
I’ll show you what i got
And so i whipped it out
All that which i’m about

I showed her what i had
To make good girls turn bad
To make most men jealous
Not that i showed fellas

The biggest one she’d seen
And it so thick and green
Yes it was my money
And none of it funny

Her disappointed brow
I found disjointed now
From what I would expect
To be the next effect

She said she must admit
I sure had quite a bit
Most boys don’t have that much
But one can’t pay to touch

It takes more than just cash
A big fat wad to flash
A man’s got to have more
To frequent at this store

And so i said oh well
I guess I couldn’t tell
Although a looker hot
A hooker she was not

I bid to her good day
And went along my way
For I had not the time
To stay and wine and dine

And so my story ends
But with no glory friends
To tack upon this tale
Sometimes you try and fail

58 -if you knew

If you knew
how i loved you
You wouldn’t have left me on that night
If you could feel
My love was real
You would have held on to me tight

C:
You would have loved
You would have cared
You wouldn’t have left
You wouldn’t have dared

If you had seen
how much you mean
You would have still been satisfied
If you had heard
My loving word
You would know that it had never lied

If you could taste
the tears i’d waste
You would have stopped out of pity
If you could feel
my pain so real
You wouldn’t have left for that other city

But you could not
though i had sought
For you to understand my need for you
And so you went
With no word sent
To let me know the reverse was ever true